Listener Mail GIF Parade: BALL-F*CKING-PEEN HAMMER!!

Every once in a while we here at the CME podcast get some listener emails that cause us to legit LOL. We’re not proud of that, but you rascals should be. Know that even if we didn’t find time to talk about your nonsense on the show, it doesn’t mean we didn’t appreciate the time and effort you put into said nonsense.

Here, let us appreciate you with these GIFs.

From Travis Bickle: I recently heard an interview with the pornstar who was in the Farah Abraham sextape and he said it has made a million dollars.

Upon hearing this, I had the same thought I always do about UFC pay-per-views: How is it possible that these make any money when they’re so easily downloaded online?

With the UFC’s deal with Fox and the next generation of fans who don’t pay for anything they can get for free online, do you guys see a day when the UFC does away with pay-per-views altogether?

From Dan O.: I’m a little confused about something and I was wondering if you two could help clear things up for me.

You see, I happened to turn the channel to TNA wrestling right as Rampage and Tito came running down the ramp together, so of course I had to see what the deal was. I assumed they were about to form the greatest tag team duo since Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty, but then Tito, out of nowhere, hits Rampage in the back of the head with a ball-peen hammer.

A BALL-FUCKIN-PEEN HAMMER!

Now, assuming Rampage doesn’t have a cracked skull, at the very least we have a well documented severe concussion just a few months before their scheduled fight.

Is the athletic commission at whatever Indian reservation they are hosting this pay per view going to step in a give rampage a medical suspension for this? Do Indian reservations even have commissions? Is Indian reservation still the proper nomenclature?

From Great Dane: Dana white just said the upcoming season of The Ultimate Fighter is the best season ever!!!!

Seriously though, we don’t have any reason to actually believe him, right? What could actually make this the best season ever? A rhino breaks into the gym and Rhonda Rousey breaks off it’s horn via armbar? (Technically it would be a “horn-bar”, I guess.)

If the UFC was to do away with the TUF series, what is the best way to get an influx of talent and introduce them to the viewer? Do we have to hope they can fight their way off the Facebook or unaired prelim fights so to gain some name recognition? Could it be argued that TUF is good for the fighters, as it allows them to procure sponsorship contracts that they might not otherwise be privy to?

Is it better to have more of the Fox Sports 1 and 2 cards to at least let these guys get on TV and potentially earn some money for all their hardwork? Then we have to listen to more complaints from Old-Man Dundas about all the fights he has to watch.

Ultimately, what’s the best answer to find and promote the new talent?

From Corey Whichard: At the end of round one in Manvel “Lil’ Joe Rogan” Gamburyan and Cole Miller, Miller struck Manny with a couple elbows to the top of the head. Immediately afterward, the round ended and Manny sat there clutching the back of his head while Cole Miller politely stood next to him with his hand on Manny’s shoulder.

This lasted at least ten seconds. It was like something out of a David Lynch movie. Where does this rank on your list of most surreal in-cage MMA moments?

From Mike D: Please explain to me why mma websites report on WWE entertainment, Summerslam, Raw,etc.

I understand that there is some crossover with a few fighters becoming wrestlers and wrestlers becoming fighters, but reading commentary or play by play on a mma website about some ex fighters falling down on purpose for the entertainment of idiots absolutely drives me crazy.

If you enjoy that type of entertainment and you are an idiot, then have at it, I hear Dave Meltzer does a cute little thing for the kids that still watch WWE.

From James Mackintosh: Travis Browne looked to be “in the best shape of his career” and with a bit of help from mike dolce (the only nutritionist any of us can name) do you think he could make 205?

I think he has the skill set to cause jones problems but Cain or JDS would destroy him.

What do you think?

Listener Mail GIF Parade: In Which Questionable Assertions Abound

You know what the best part is about receiving a weekly deluge of mail from our listeners? I mean, aside from reading the first few words of each one, then passing out from too much cold medicine, then waking up with Twizzlers wrappers stuck to our faces, then saying ‘fuck it’ and going out to race go-karts?

It’s that even when they’re crazy and weird, they’re rarely boring. So thanks for that. Now enjoy these GIFs while we go on a quick Twizzlers run.

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Listener Mail GIF Parade: Oh Man, This Rampage vs. Tito Thing

We knew this was coming. The moment Tito Ortiz spat in the face of the Eminem Curse while making his entrance at last week’s Bellator event to announce his upcoming pay-per-view bout with “Rampage” Jackson, we knew we were going to get buried by emails from you people. What we didn’t figure on was how weirdly kind of diverse in scope they would be. So, I guess, good job on that? Or maybe not?

Ah, screw it. We’ll let the GIFs speak for us.

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Listener Mail GIF Parade: Let’s-All-Get-Together-and-Overreact Edition

While this week’s podcast received mail from someone who may or may not have been a character from the 1993 film “Menace II Society,” we also got a bunch of questions from you other sons of bitches that we simply didn’t have the time (or, let’s face it, desire) to answer. But that’s where the magic of the animated GIF comes in.

Take it away, GIFs.

From Steven Merriman: This past Saturday I had the dubious pleasure of watching Rory MacDonald jab his way to a unanimous, if unsatisfying victory. It’s hard to imagine a GSP vs. Rory fight as anything other as tedious. Which leads me to my question: True or False: Johnny Hendricks defeating George St-Pierre is the best thing that could happen to the Welterweight division.

From Seth Remington:  Is it time to start drug testing the judges of these events before and after an MMA event? Seriously, someone had to be smoking crack to get those scores. Two separate split decision fights with 30-27s for each fighter? And what about poor Timmy Means who was robbed of a decision? I know it is like a broken record but when is the MMA world gonna get some competent judges? Aaron Riley just retired, give that man a job as a judge!

From Ronda’s Wart: Demetrious Johnson is a superior fighter to GSP in every way.

Namely: 1. MUCH more dynamic/exciting. 2. Arguably more technical and effective in every aspect of MMA, including wrestling. 3. Looks for and gets a finish when the decision is already in the bag, rather than looking for the safest way to coast to the final bell. 4. Is already looking for (literally) bigger challenges in the weight class above. How many years has GSP spent dominating welterweights and finding excuses not to even dip his toe in the pool at middleweight?? and 5. If Johnson wanted to build and protect a “legacy” as a dominant champion for years to come, getting rich and boring us to tears, he very likely could. Apparently he is more ambitious than that. Discuss!

From Kent Carter: Michael Chandler just signed an 8 fight deal with Bellator, pretty much guaranteeing he will not fight a top ten ranked fighter while he is in his prime. If he’s not interested in fighting the best, I’m not interested in watching him fight. Is this the extremely career limiting move that I seem to think it is?

From Carl Kennedy: So apparently, in regards to the bare knuckle boxing thing, the reason it is technically “bare knuckle” is because there is a slit cut in the top of the gloves that exposes the knuckles. I am really not sure if/how they are wrapping the hands. So yeah………. that is happening. What do you think? Worse than X-arm?

From Joakim Kalantari: I thought to offer you some perspective on all of your collective complaining about “too many cards” and “watered down product” and “UFC excessively asking its fans for their time.”

I live in Sweden, so it goes without saying that my experience is limited to this region alone.  First of all; to follow the UFC live you have stay up all night. Prelims start around midnight and main card normally commences around 4 am Sunday morning.

Secondly, every thing; Facebook prelims, FX/Fuel prelims and main card is available trough UFC.tv i.e. online stream. Thirdly, every fight card costs about USD 30. This means that all these halv-shitty/halv-decent “free cards” that you are hard pressed to spend time to watch live, let alone spend money on, costs us 30 bucks a pop. To cap it all off, if there’s a problem with the stream, which granted happens seldom but when it happens it does so at the most inopportune moments (e.g. main event of Silva/Weidman), the UFC’s response is total deafening silence. No refunds, no apologies, no empty promises about “making it up to the fans” by Dana White – nothing.

Additionally, you best check your tone when you email the customer support to complain because the only response you’ll liable to receive is a thinly veiled threat of getting your account blocked. And then where will you be? You’d be forced to examine the void that you’ve spent years and thousands of dollars to create instead of any thing that would pass for a social life.

Just like my mom used to bring up “starving kids” anytime I did not like the dinner that was offered, maybe you should consider us Swedes next time you complain about a shitty Fuel/FX/Fox card. I mean free healthcare and college education, low infant mortality rates, high life expectancy, clean air and water and low crime rates and all are all good and well; but I had to pay for the shit we all watched yesterday evening (or in my case previously this morning)

From Brady Carlson: What is the single greatest move every pulled off in an MMA fight? Is it the Showtime kick, Edson Barboza’s spinning heel kick, Anderson Silva’s front kick to the face, what?

From Walter Pinkman: Is there any other sports fan as fickle as the mma fan? Why does groupthink exist so pervasively in this sport?  Is there any sport where current fans make it harder for new fans to start enjoying the same sport? Three questions that have continued to arise in my life as it becomes harder and harder to justify my enjoyment of the sport to outsiders and occasionally myself.

From Perry Bergson: If Fighter A has a technique working that his opponent, Fighter B, can’t deal with, does he really have an obligation to move to other things to please the fans? Doesn’t Fighter B have to find a way to deal with the jab or wrestling or leg kicks or whatever is beating him? Isn’t winning all that ultimately matters, regardless of the route taken to get there?

From Mazz M: Let’s just imagine that the fabled Roy Jones Jr. vs Quinton Rampage jackson fight happens. They have to get KIMBO SLICE in the undercard (read: co-main event) right?

Listener Mail GIF Parade: Stop-Crying-’Fix’-or-We-Will-Murder-You Edition

Eventually this has to stop, right? And by this, I mean the odd email that floats into our inbox alleging that the Anderson Silva-Chris Weidman fight was fixed. It just can’t continue on indefinitely. We will not abide it, and there aren’t enough angry GIFs out there to convey our feelings on the matter.

There are, fortunately for all of us, plenty of other GIFs and other Listener Mail queries to match them up with. So let’s get on with it, and woe be unto the motherfucker who sends us a fight-fixing question after this day.

From Jon Lee: Isn’t this whole Anderson putting his hands down thing the ULTIMATE in Monday morning Quarterbacking? When Silva puts his hands down against EVERY other fighter before smashing them, we give him massive god like props and when he finally gets caught we act like he’s embarrassing the sport and himself and his own Brazilians boo’d him. I guess I’m asking why do we as MMA fans do that?

From Dan O: I’ve got an idea for bonus structures in the UFC and I want you guys to tell me how brilliant I am for thinking of it (or shit on it, lets be honest, you will probably shit on it).

So it starts off with everyone who finishes his opponent gets a bonus of 20,000 dollars. KO of the night and Submission of the night are gone, but Fight of the Night stays and is worth 20k to each guy. So if an event has ten fights, Dana sets aside 240,000 dollars for bonuses. Since it is rare that all fights end in a finish, any unused bonus money goes back in the kitty, so to speak. For example, if only one fight ends in decision, that 20k gets distributed evenly among the next event so now the bonuses are worth 22k apiece.

If you get 3 or 4 events in a row where half the fights go to decision that bonus starts to get up near 40 grand and everybody starts throwing caution to the wind to go for a finish. Just imagine Dana and Joe screaming at each other at the end of the FX prelims about how crazy the pay per view will be because everyone that finishes gets a forty or fifty thousand dollar check and then try telling me this isn’t a great idea.

From Mauro Pedrosa: Wouldn’t a fight between Nick Diaz and Michael Bisping be awesome?

From Corey Whichard: As someone who follows MMA very closely, I make it a point to avoid all MMA-themed movies. I don’t even watch mainstream movies starring MMA fighters (e.g., The A-Team, Haywire, The Expendables), not merely because all of these movies look fucking terrible, but because as a general rule professional cage-fighters are uniformly god-awful at acting.

I’m not talking about expecting decent or even okay acting–most of these guys can’t help but ruin whatever scene they momentarily appear in, and as a fan of their sport I literally feel embarrassed for them. I even feel mildly ashamed when I come across the movie cover for what I can only (regretfully) describe as an “MMA movie,” as they all tend to look like advertisements for some bizarre mixture of gangster rap and violent gay porn.

Do you guys think that MMA fighters-turned-actors, who themselves must watch movies with talented actors, are actually under the impression that they can act? Is it just a way to make a quick buck? Do they have any idea how much they suck?

From Curt Heinrichs: With Anderson Silva losing to Weidman, a certain MMA personality (whose Twitter handle suggests he has good seats and his name is Brian) has been suggesting that certain fights are “works” in the lingo of professional wrestling. While I doubt that anyone in the UFC would take a dive, I was wondering your thoughts on the matter. Aside from a few known examples, do you feel that there are some fights that are planned out in advance, or is this guy just trolling his followers?

From Ben Hoefstetter: Do you guys find it odd that UFC 163 is “Aldo vs. KOREAN ZOMBIE”? He has a real name, and one that is not even that difficult for Westerners to pronounce.

Did the UFC just not want to spend the time to figure out whether “Jung” or “Chang-Sung” is his surname, or are they just banking on the hope that those elusive casual fans remember an awesome fight from 2010 featuring a dude from Korea who just kept moving forward? Also at the time of writing this message, two fighters on the main card of UFC 163 do not have wikipedia pages.

From Jeremy Doughty: my question is regarding belt procedure. I have always assumed that when a title reign comes to an end the former champ actually turns in the belt and it is given to the new champ. Then I watch the Countdown shows and see former champs with a slew of belts on their mantle and am left wondering if they actually keep the belt, do they have to purchase it, or are these just replicas. Getting to The root of my question, is Cain Velasquez holding the same belt Tim Silvia slept with, and at the end of the day what is that shiny gold bitch worth.

From Joakim Kalatanri: You guys have been of CME fame for a while now and I wonder; how does it feel that your fans likely, take more seriously and pay more attention to what you say more than probably you do.

This is not veiled criticism of the podcast. I know you don’t just go out there and say shit, just to be saying stuff (besides when you do, but you get my point). I can imagine that you are both used to fan reaction to your work, due to your profession. At the same time though, the podcast medium does not allow you to be as deliberate and precise as when you’re writing. It kind of forces you to think a loud which may lead to less than optimal phrasing and positions. What’s your experience of idiots like myself reminding you about shit that you may or may not have said/meant weeks and month later?

Listener Mail GIF Parade: Year of the Superfight Edition

Another week, another crush of mail from you people, what with your questions and your questionable assertions and your ideological rants thinly disguised as questions. What I’m trying to say is, we love you crazy sons of bitches. Unfortunately, we don’t have time to answer all your emails with, you know, words and stuff. But that’s why God made GIFs, right?

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Listener Mail GIF Parade: UFC 162 Edition

Yeah, this is happening again. I guess no one should be all that surprised that your dudes got a ton of listener mail after Anderson Silva’s fake stanky leg became a totally real, totally stanky one at UFC 162.

Obviously, we couldn’t get to all that in one episode of the podcast without breaking a solemn vow up in this piece. Also, we don’t really want to take the time to answer all those questions with words, because that sounds hard. So what do we do? We say it with a GIF, brother. It’s all we really can do.

From Michael M: I’ll keep it simple. Something seemed a bit fishy at the end of Silva Weidman, and no I’m not a “fucking idiot” as Dana White termed those who are suspect. While the big money superfights are now on hold, which would normally be motivation for such a set-up, any real chance this one was fixed?

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